Sunday, June 21, 2009

Letters from girl X

dearest reader,
I understand that some remain faithfull to reading my blog. Others, have mearly glanced through the lines that lead into my life. I tell only of events that trouble me, concern me or have caused me greif over the years. I am young. So very young. but I have been through much, I learned never to take anyhting for granted, becuase underneath everything is a valuable lesson.

Thought De Jour: if I have a mosquito bite, I Itch it.

A Taste of Fear: She walked down the hallway in her uniform. She was ready and She looked well brought up. He boots shined and the creases of her pants and shoulders were almost jagged. Her hair was Perfectly gelled back into a tight bun at the nape of her neak.she walked down the stairs to show grandmother. Her father was there. He was drunk. He cried when he saw her. so prefect he said. My perfect girl. Your Nammy would proud. she smiled and walked back up the stairs. She was getting an award tonight.she never had an award before. It was a big one. Simuntaniously a horn honked and her sister yelled. she couldnt be late. She told her sister she would do what she wanted when she got home. her father yelled, she had to leave, A horn honked again. She yelled again that she would do it when she got home. No that wasnt going to work. her father wass coming up the stairs.he wasnt proud anymore she was crying. She had to go. They were waiting for her, The door was open. Nextt hing she knowns shes falling. theres nothing for her to grab onto. Shes crying her sides hurt, hr head is spinning. Again, shes flying. no shes being pulled. Her head is hitting the stairs. She doesnt remember ever having so many stairs. She feels like shes sleewalking. She needs to wake up. Anytihing to get out of th is dream. She picks up a kife that was on the table, and begs her mother to Cut her with it. She has Mother pinned against the wall. She cuts her own arms open and falls to the ground.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Letter From Girl X

Dearest Reader,

Life is a constent battle for pleasure.. no doubt your wondering why most of my other posts are about sex. Especialy after i was raped. I will not tell you why my obcession with sex has still remained. It had little to do with the pleasure, untill now.

thought de jour: Is it love when love songs suddenly make sence?
or is it love when you make love instead of fuck?

A taste Of Passion: when He walks threw the door she will be waiting. Dressed in a long flowing robe. He will hug her, smell her long brunette hair. He will hold her manicured hands. she will kiss him. Her hands wiill slip slowly behind his neak, circling her thumb in the spot on his neak, just behind his ear. she will press herself against him, Letting him feel her urgency. his hands, will explore the silkyness of her robe.He will pick her up and carry her to the wall, kissing her and moaning as she removes his clothes. she knows hes tired from work.She caefully slips from his embrace. Leading him over the bed. she lays him down. She kisses him, starting at his forhead down to his sholders, carfully positioning each each along his muscles. she kisses him down to his toes tells him to turn onto his stomach and slowly kisses him back up. she kisses his spine, lickin and biting until she reaches his naeck. Here she sits on his bum and pours oil onto her hands. She rubs his back and his muscles, listening to his moans she works his back and legs untill hes relaxed and tired. she shifts and relizes her can feel her readyness. He turns over slowl;y, holding her as he moves, shes laying on her back and hes kissing her. removing her robe. his eyes will open wide when he sees she is wearing nothing, her body smooth as the silk she was wrapped in. She will be aroused and prepared for him to enter her. He takes his time. exploring her soft body. her stomach flat and tanned, her legs, soft and feminin. Her privates. smooth as silk in wetness. He will relize she took her time for him, So he he takes his time for her. His tounge will lick her everywhere, his hands will touch every inch of her body, Sending electricity through her. and when hes finished, they will pull the red sheet over their head, and spend the night together, safe in each others arms.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Letter from girl X

DEAREST READER: I am wondering, what is the differance between defiance and passion. I am passionate about my life and the choices I make that wont be infuanced by other people and what they think is best for me. Does it make me defiant that I will not let others influance my decisions?

Thought de jour; You are the taste of something sweet And I'm tangled in the sheets You left a small track down my back So chain me up, I'm in too deep 2 days with you is never enough
A taste of Anger:
her mother stumbles around the house, Phone book in hand, searching for a phone. Mother had alot to drink, She hears Mother pick up the phone and takl to people who in all honesty dont care. they listen to Mother ramble on and on untill eventually Mother falls asleep, ciggerette & phone in hand, drink not to far away. She remembers coming home one night Mother passed out on the floor. Sleeping in broken glass, alcohol and urine. She had 2 friends with her. She wanted to cry. Mother doesnt htink theres anything wrong with drinking. One night, She fell asleep early, woke up and her 2 bottles of whiskey were gone. Mother had written a note " will replace". She was fuming. at what point does a grown woan resort to drinking her daughters alcohol?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Letter to Guy-X

lover,
you may think that you are nothing, unimportant and "sad". That however, is not true.
You are amazing. You support me,You focus on what I want and what I need, and you always make sure that I am happy. and You expect nothing in return. That is what a relationship is. I support you , you support me, I take care of you, You take care of me.I make sure your happy and yuo make sure I'm happy. I know that now, because with you I am truly and unexplainably happy.
You listen to me complain. and fight, You stop me from getting put back to jail. Youve taught me so much in the 5 months weve been together, and I love you more and more each and everyday. Even though we are far apart, you are always close to my heart.
I understand we have our differances. Wether it be friends, family, or common belives, butthose never get in the way of us. and for that i am truly gratfull because I know I have alot of... different things.
Coming up to 6 months and weve only had 2 big figts. We know each other. We know what makes us tick.
I love you.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Letter from Girl X

dearest reader, sometimes life gives you things you don't want. I Will not deny that I am a nympho. I love sex, I love having orgasms. I love.. experimenting. Sex is something I could never live without. The feeling of being controlled. when I am so used to Being the one to direct. the feeling of vulnerability when we lay naked our body's touching, sweaty and hot, relaxed and soothed.

Thought de jour: What is appropriate? How is it appropriate to have a college bent over a table rubbing their back insinuating a sexual position. but its not appropriate to spin a friend on your back? How is It appropriate to tell your Peers that you fucked a kids mom so he would have a place in your camp, BUT its not appropriate to Link arms with a female friend? Please readers tell me whats fucked up about this?

A taste of a little to much: She had known him for 6 years. They dated, they fooled around. They were best friends. everyday they were together. she knew everything about him. and he knew everything about her. She loved him. Like a brother. then one day everything went and changed.
She was drinking at a friends. And decided to go and get him. she went to his house and found him trying to break in. She helped. The house was empty and he was quieter then usualy. She sat on the counter while he ate. he was pale. his eyes were dark, and bloodshot. she wanted to leave. She went to jump off the counter but he was there. He pushed her legs apart. aand stood between them his hands on her knees. this wasnt different he always carried her. She wrapped her arms around him, expecting him to pick her up. He didnt. He grabed her breasts and started moving her hands. She pushed him away. and went to jump down. He stayed between her legs. Blocking her. She tried to lide between him and the counter, but he picked her up and put her back. She was scared. She tried to get away. but he wouldnt let her. she tried suducing him. Making him think she wanted more. she asked him to go to the bedroom, He grunted no. she tried to throw his hat, so hed go and get it and she would run. no, i stayed lifeless on the floor. She was paniking. She tried to puch him away telling him no. this isnt right, He didnt listen
he felt her, everywhere. She wanted to cry.
She kissed him hoping he would soften up a bit if she did.
when she kissed him she tried to slide off the counter and run. He wouldnt let her move. she stop kissing him and tried again to push him away, She was crying now. She was scared. he picked her up and sat her down in his lap on a nearby chair, She tried to leave, He dug his hands into her thighs. he let her stand up,. But he held her tight around the waist. He undid her pants and fingerd her. she tried to get away, he pulled her towards his undone pants, she doesnt know how thye got like that. She was sick to her stomach He was going to rape her. She fell to her knees, he grabbed her hair at the back of her head and pulled, forcing him into her mouth, he moved her head, she bit him. He Pulled her hair so tight her neak flug back, She looked at him, He looked Dead. So thrust himself into her mouth forcing her to take him to the back, she gagged and tried to bote him, ut it didnt work, He simply pulled her hair tighter and it hurt. Suddenly he pulled her head forward and came down her throt. she wanted to spi it back in hhis face, but he didnt let go, He was waiting for her to swollow. she did, she got up scaredd and shaking. When he let go of her, she turned to leave and he grabbed her wrist, she thought it going to happen again. but he simply whisperd.
"dont Tell Anyone"

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Letter from Girl X

dearest readers, say hello to the invisible girl. no doubt you are wondering who I am. one person knows and that is all. I am Girl-X and I'm telling you my stroy so you can see hwo I am and why I am what I am. I am girl-X and I am: strong. I am beautiful. I am life.

thought de jour goodbye- NOUN- 1 word, that is never forever. It is never final. Goodbye is 3 words made into one. -God be with ye'-



A taste of love:

She walked into the school, she met people who introduced her to people. There were names, there were faces. but none like him. She rememberd him. She never forgot him. She tried to make him jelous. to make him see. He showed no interest.
she cant explain how he makes her feel. her heart beats faster, she cant speak.
she tried to get his attention. but she just gave up. She saw him everyday. she gave him a hug every morning. He was always the first.she waited for weeks to tell him how she felt. and when she fnnaly got the courgage. he was gone. 3 weeks later he shows up. Her heart jumped when she saw him she almost couldnt breathe. she forgot about the tears she cried. She thought she lost him. She thought of him when M held her. when they kissed, She wished it was him,. she tried, once, to kiss him he truned away. then It ended. she left his school, and moved on. a year later, she finds him. she tells him everything. he tells her hes loved her, he never forgot. she cried. She knows hes perfect for her. She knows how much hurt she never would have had. If she had just told him. she knows things would be different.

We cannot change the past. but we can alter the future. and My future is with him. forever.
I am girl X and I am in love wiith a boy. named.. Guy-X

Letter from girl X

dearest reader. I am sure you understand that I am invisable. You will never know me. nor will I ever know you. and that is how life should be

thought de jour- to be honest is to tell no lies. to be compassionate. is to think about others emotions. to Lie is to alter the truth because you know it will hurt someone.

a taste of addiction :
she was addicted to Ambien. A sleeping pill. from when she was 12 untill she was 14. When she couldnt find ambien. She took tyonol. first 2 then 3 then 4.. It kept going untill she was taking 10 11 12. god knows how many times they pumped her stomach. She needed to not feel the pain. She needed to sleep There were tiems when she never wanted to wake up. she couldnt take tyonol anymore. and ambien was hard to find. she started taking XanaX. anyhting to make her sleep. She loved hte feeling the room slowly spinning, going dark, the colors in her dreams shes so numb.. She longs for that feeling. she searches for it. She found it. Shes addicted to Him. he touches her and her head spins. he kisses her and the room grows dark. he pushes himself into her, her world explodes, and when their finished. shes comfortably numb. He is my addiction. He is my pill. My chemical. My addiction.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Letter From Girl X

Dearest reader, Death Is a friend of mine. He walks with me, and talks to me. We see each other Eye to eye. I first saw him when i was 6 My Uncle got taken by him. then multiple times when I turned 12 on. My friends. My family, My pets. I wanted you to know. That death doesnt end our lives. but begin it. Its because of death that some of us choose to live, At the same time we can choose to fear life. Death is Who we are. we live to meet him in the end. embrace death, because then you will not live in fear of saying goodbye.

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.
We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.
We passed the school where children played,
Their lessons scarcely done;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.
We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible.
The cornice but a mound.
Since then 'tis centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.
-- Emily Dickinson

thought de jour: Goodbye is not forever
I do not belive in God. I belive that In each of us, There is a god, a kind of hope that we can pass to each other we are each others god, and we can find him within ourselves. That is why when we pray we pray for the well being of another. or hope for our future.

a taste of hope she held his as he cried. She didnt know what else to do. It hurt her to see him in pain, from saying goodbye. she Kissed away each and everyone of his tears, She never said a word. She would stand by his side the next day and hold his hand. She will not say everything will be alright, Because she knows that isnt true. he must hurt to feel better. Oh how she loves him, Oh how bitter were her tears to god, that he would make him hurt. she would not let him see her cry., She needed to be strong for him. She held him close.and when he slept, she prayed. She prayed for God o touch his heart, and Let him say goodbye. He saw the old man Pass. She could see it in his eyes. what he doesnt know. Is that Goodbye is never for forever. Its only a word for parting.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Letters From Girl X

Dearest reader,
I have nothing to say to you today except, Love what you have no matter what it is. Love your parents, Love your self. Because if you cannot love what makes you you, how can you properly love someone else?

Thought de jour Confidence vs confort. Whats the difference between being confident and feeling comfortable? I will admit I walk with my head in the air. I am a very confident person- I also have big breasts i like to flaunt ;)- HOWEVER, I am not comfortable wearing skimpy clothes or posing nude for photos.. Or even being nude. I will not lie, I love my own naked body for just me to see, but if you put me in frount of a 360 mirror and tell me to circle what I dont like, theres probably 1200 things I would change. I do not let thes imperfections minor or major, Control my life. I would like to be a modle for a day, To show the work my body, to be pamperd to Show my emotion. I am comfortable doing that. but I am not comfortable walking around in a mini skirt and a tube top. I will not show that much of mmy body, My lower back- yeah no problem I love tht part of my boddy, The rest, No. Never in a million years.

A Taste of Self Gain.Her grandmother is ill. Once full Breasts becoming non existant. Her grandmother always had a walk, A very confident walk, Grandmother used to tell her..
" shoulders back, breasts forward, head up. Breasts, Grooming and strength, three things men admire most.". they walked the same, arm in arm. They saunterd from the school yard to home. Hair pulled into tight pony tails, cascading down their backs, Breasts full and round, Bouncing beneth their shirts. One day it all changed, They took Grandmother into the operating room and removed both her breasts. They didnt walk anymore. Grandmother lay in recovery, She was always at her side. Weeks and weeks of testing and waiting. finnaly grandmother was released. no breasts, no long hair. She had to go to school. She begged Grandmother to call her if anything happened. Final bell rang, 2 weeks after Grandmother was released. she walked out of the school doors, and There waiting was Grandmother. They walked arm in arm, Heads up, Shoulders back, Breasts forward. She loved Gradmother more that day then any day in her life. They walked Every day after that. She cut her long hair To she shoulders. grandmoher now wears a wig. Pulled into a pony, Grandmother decided not to get implants. they still walk the same.
Confidance is Key.

R.I.P grandmother

" why survive and live in shame?" Grandmother

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Letter from girl X

hello reader. I do not know if i have any faithful readers. If i do.
thank you.
it gives me pleasure to know that you enjoy reading about my life.

Thought de jour : What is Friendship?
some say, that friendship ends when borrowing begins. These are trying times.
We should be giving what we can. to help each other survive. all we have right now in life, is what we believe.
What do I believe?
I believe that life is meant to live. Not to hate our to Kill. we are creatures of love. We should love enough to understand that each person is under stress. Financial, Medical, emotional. Each person is undergoing more and more as each day comes to an end. Work, School, family, friends, errands, Housekeeping.. things are spinning out of control for everyone. Soon, there will be people with no food. To proud to Set upon the government for funds. What will we do then? Ignore t hem? allow them to go hungry? I beg you dear reader, to think of The Holocaust. When Dutch and German people alike slid what they could under the fences of concentration camps. They would be punished by death for feeding a Jew. They were on rations! Nothing more then Cabbage, turnips and Occasionally potatoes. Whats stopping you? Are you threatened by death so much that you alone cannot spare a box of Macaroni, when you have several boxes and cannot find a need to cook them? Wake up reader. WAKE UP.

A Taste of Generosity: She is now 15. She no longer cries. She no longer feels. Shes run away from home with a boy, a boy she Said she wanted forever. the stay n a hostel, its dirty and frightening there. They think shes 19. She hasn't eaten in a long time. they Come across a red head, Tall and freckled. they ask for a cigarette. She gives her a handful. and hand him one. Her name Is B. B, so full of life, reminds her of a happy time. She smiles. and laughs. They enter a building and wait for hot lunch. B builds a plate, large and full of fruit. She Pours a glass of juice, and sips. B asks when she last ate. She shrugs. He answers its been weeks. B gets her fruit." eat" she commands. " we will not leave until you eat". A teenager. Black and Big with baby sits with them. Her name is K, She recognizes her from the bed below hers. B explains to K that she hasn't eat. K pulls from her pocket a small carton of milk. homogenized. K pours the almost to white liquid into a cup and pushes it towards Her. K tells her to drink, there is more and not to worry. K and B watch and she drinks the milk slowly, It floods down her throat so creamy she gags, K asks how long since shes eaten. B answers a long time. K strokes her hair and says to her. "She must to be strong. The world is harsh and full of harsh people. People who do not help us. remember this moment. and remember, that we care. be strong for My child". They bring her more food. She looks. before she eats she prays.
she prays for the baby, to come into a world of laughter, like that day around the table. 4 strangers bound together by a common goal.
the will to survive.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Letter From Girl X

Hello Reader, I don't know who you are, or what you are. but I'm telling you my lives story as I remember it. All that follows is true. Each event Burned into my memory like... well a burning Memory. I pray you do not judge me.

A Taste Of Pleasure

she is 15. itching to experience new things.
She remembers her first time. she was Laying on the Hearth in front of the fire. Legs spread waiting for him. his fingers went in first. He tasted her innocence. Licked her nervous body. Kissed her. then he pushed himself inside. She Whimpered as her skin expanded. she loved it. He filled a hole she didn't know she possessed. They went until nearly sunrise. He held her. He smelt like, fire, sweat and sex.
ahhh the indescribable aroma of sex. Sweet and strong. Almost like honey, But more dense. She craved it. He stroked her spine. She felt the same. No difference except a little winded. She Sat and replayed it in her head. the feel of his hands on her body. pulling her on top of him. Gently Caressing her back as she moved her hips.
She liked how he took of her clothes. He was shaking in urgency. But still took his time.
she hated when he left. She wanted more.
she went home and ran a bath. hot and slick with oil. she lay there for hours. exploring her own body. feeling if it was different. She sighed a sigh of failure and started to drain the tub. Grabbing the shower she turned it to the jet setting, she let the hot water pulse on her muscles reliving the tension as it pulsed onto her body. she needed to wash her hair.
she put the shower between her legs, and that's when she felt it. it was hot. She turned up the cold slowly, so it was just the right temperature. the Beam of water pushing against her clitoris. her breath came in gasps. Oh she liked this feeling. she wanted it to last. her body became more and more tense. her back arched higher and higher until she came. Her body Shaking and convulsing. she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.
she stood, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her body. She was dizzy with satisfaction. She could feel her heart beating through her chest. its sound echoing like a drum. Her head spinning. Her sensing heightened. a drop of water snaked down her spine, sending goosebumps from that point to her fingertips. she collapsed on the bed and cranked her stereo. The Bass thudding to her heart beat.
sexual satisfaction.

thought De jour:
teachers. are. Hippocrates.

Letters From Girl X

If you are reading this. You are one of three things;

1. Someone interested in the rantings of an Unknown girl.

2. You were cruising the net and you think the X in Girl--X means X rated.. Well your wrong. So wipe away the drool and move on.

3. You know who I am. Which is unlikly Seeing as noone. knows who I am.

thought de jour: => there are good and bad people in the world. here's my thanks.
To the lady 2 years ago who paid a shivering girls bus fare-- thank you.

To the man. when i was 5 who gave me the teddy bear he won at the fair. thank you.

There's many more. however i don't wish to bore you.
without good there is only evil. Like the bastards who stole my camera.

at which point do you draw the line in a relationship? Should you give up your friends for that person? J thinks so. He hates my two best friends.. J-M and A. Why should I stop talking to these two people. who have been my friends for years. For a guy who's probably not going to like me in 2 years? Is it worth it? Is it worth listing to the fighting? listing to them try and destroy the relationships Ive work so hard to maintain? I love J. J-M said he had feelings for me.. Whats the truth...?
oh! what to do people of the world.?

Taste Of The Past;;
13 years old. In the ward. Battered and bruised, she cried her first night.. She didn't eat. she didn't talk. She was being watched. Cameras. Nursing watching her. She sat, Knees to her chin in the one spot they couldn't see.
she sweat. She showered. She used the small towels that barley fit around her transforming body. She wore gowns exposing her back. They gave her pills. Big ones. Little ones. Ones to make her sleeps, Others to keep her awake. The pills scared her. She stopped taking them. She hid them, and traded green ones for pink ones and slept. she took more and more and more. And slept more and more and More. she crushed the white ones and put them in the nurses food. She cried. Her family comes. She takes a green pill and is fascinated by her feet. they are symmetrical. That nail is long... She picks at it. He yells. She cant breathe she screams. now there is blue pills.
They still watch her. She still cries.
Shes still 13. but she feels older. Frailer. shes small. The towels are big.
Shes always got headaches. She tells them. more pills. She trades. She gets high. She sleeps. at peace.